Recently, my family and I spent some time together for a much needed vacation. This felt like the first time in ages that we were all together for fun, and not for death, illness or surgery support. This visit also coincided with the one year death anniversary of my mom, who died on the Summer Solstice in full summer heat and sun, flowers blooming everywhere. So, to honor her, my daughter and I did a few things to focus our energies on the Summer Solstice, my mom and of course flowers.

Mom’s yard was full of golden and maroon lilies at the time of her death, and to honor her, my daughter picked and created the most incredibly beautiful bouquet for her to hold forever. When the funeral home arrived to take her body, they were in awe of the beauty we had created around my mom. She was laid out in a purple dress, holding flowers from her yard.

So for her one year death honoring, I had hoped to recreate this bouquet. Before mom’s house sold, I dug up her beloved bulbs and replanted them in my yard. They all came up this spring and I was so excited when the flower buds began to appear, until one morning, they were all gone! The deer had come in the night and eaten almost every fresh bulb, I’m sure they must have been delicious!

Pivoting, we bought roses, in the same colors and set out to create an altar for the Solstice with multiple flowers, and a separate altar just for my mom with roses, her photo and a candle, which I kept lit for 3 days in her honor, only extinguishing at night for safety.

We took the ritual outdoors and built a fire altar next, honoring both the Solstice and mom; we sat around the fire, spoke her name, sang some songs, and told stories and laughed and cried. We also scattered some of her cremated remains along Lake Michigan (with a permit), creating first a jointly-created altar on the sand, by collecting found objects along the shoreline. Mom used to have a keen eye for anything unusual or odd looking, she loved dead trees, and sticks, and was always pointing out the beauty in objects that other probably didn’t even see. The 5 of us brought our goodies together, placing them within the heart space my daughter created with her remains. After some time, we used a pine branch to sweep away any trace of us, and welcoming mom into the Earth. Next we each took turns scattering her into the lake she loved so deeply.

These moments of remembrance don’t need to be big, major planned events, and maybe sometimes they do, but simple is often just what is needed to help up to sit, and honor them. Remember their smile, their smell, touch, voice, how they hugged and how they lived. The important act is continuing to love them and feel their love in our lives by witnessing together as a family or through friend connections.

Choosing private ceremony is important too, especially for those who have lost spouses, or children. The deep relational connection that we have with our partners and children feels personal and private, so honoring that space is important too, do what feels right for you.

Remembering your dead loved ones is easily done at anytime, it doesn’t have to be anniversaries or birthdays, any day, time that feels right to honor them is the right time to hold that space.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Light a candle next to a photo of your loved one and spend some time gazing at their face and talking with them.
2. Plant their favorite flowers or plants in a remembrance garden.
3. Scatter some of their cremated remains in a special place that the two of you enjoyed together. (checking permissions first)
4. Hold a fire ceremony to release any past hurts, unresolved pain you may have had with this person. Allow the fire to hold and transmute these energies that may be heavy in your heart. Or perhaps this fire ceremony is more of a party and there are friends and family gathered in a celebration instead.
5. Whisper hello [their name] when you see a butterfly fly past you.
6. Call a relative or friend who also knew the deceased, and recall together some fond memories. Connecting with our community, friends and family frequently helps to feel closer to those we have lost.

There are no rules on how we grieve, say goodbye or choose to honor the ones who have died, so I encourage you to lean into and explore some options that feels right for you and your circumstances. And remember that even tiny acts of devotion are filled with great love.