Journey OM

 

Look how the sky’s doors open to your beauty.

Look how the goddess waits to receive you.

This is death. This is the life beyond life.

Look how the day is breaking in the east. 

Look how the goddess awakens you. 

Listen to us singing to you, there among the stars.  

-Egyptian Coffin Texts

Death comes in 3 phases; the act or event of dying, moment of death, and being dead. Each of these transitions is uniquely different and must be understood to fully grasp death as they each require special care, assistance and respect. For the sake of this discussion today, I’d like to talk about the first part of this transition; the event of dying. 

We die in two ways; quickly, such as an accident, or over time through stages of disease. When faced with a terminal diagnosis and death is inevitable and can be measured with a general time frame, we have space to contemplate our own death. This space allows us to experience both the loss of our physical connection to this world, but also our spiritual connection to living in this body. While Western medicine may be able to manage the physical changes and support the person dying with hospice and palliative care, our modern society is seriously lacking in how to support the dying who may be facing fears, anger, and resentments that may keep us from experiencing a peaceful death. And our skills as a society to communicate and show up for the dying is missing, especially in white populations. We are lacking in spiritual palliative care. 

The biological act of dying can take many months, weeks, days or hours to complete. For some, the news comes quickly, say after a heart attack or stroke, car accident or injury, that forces someone into the dying process quickly. Enough extensive physical damage to major organs has occurred, which leaves the person with a short period of time to come to grips, if they are conscious.But mostly their family and loved ones are faced with saying goodbye quickly and it is too much too soon to grasp. The outer experience isn’t matching what is happening on the inside. Some are caught up in the “doing” and “fighting” both the dying and their family to truly catch up. 

The process of dying, biologically speaking, is simply the body shutting down, organ by organ until the heart no longer beats. This is the physical end of life. But there is a process occurring beforehand that is vitally important before time of death is called. This is the liminal space of caring for the person who is transitioning. As a death doula, supporting loved ones and the dying to slow down time, and encapsulate this space becomes a beautiful gift. Rituals to honor this space are important to help the living and the dying move from saying goodbye to their lives, maybe the things they hoped for, had plans for; to saying hello to what’s on the other side of the river into the land of the ancestors. Taking this space to say hello can only occur when we’ve truly said goodbye to those parts of ourselves, and grieved. There is an energetic turning of our view which occurs then, while we face what’s in front of us instead and begin to explore what it may be like to become an ancestor. To assist with this hello/goodbye process, rituals are vital to help support the flow of love and grief, as it is the ritual which helps people integrate what is true. 

But saying goodbye isn’t easy, and death can be difficult and painful. The dying will be losing autonomy and require special care as they lose control over bodily functions, or just functioning in the world as an independent person. They may be experiencing pain and/or discomfort, food no longer tastes good or it may not feel good to eat any longer. They also might emotionally detach from the world around them and isolate and become depressed. They may not want visitors, and they may be experiencing deep fears, anger and resentment. Sometimes people are stubborn and hold onto life, and refuse to die because of these attachments or they may not be able to fully let go. And all of these reactions are valid, and are to be respected. It is not up to me, as a death doula, or even a family member to try to fix them, it is our role as witnesses, to simply show up, and hold space for the person and honor their wishes. Some people deny their entire illness, right up to the moment of passing, and that is their right to do so.

Spiritually, the dying are experiencing a different transition from living to non living. As the spirit slowly disengages with the outside world, the element of fire which fuels our heart, heats our desires, sparks our connections and reactions, weakens to just a flicker. It is the element of fire that keeps our soul burning with desires for food, and lust, calls us to seek out sunshine, people and laughter, this element within us, weakens until there is no longer a flame. 

It is the role of a death doula to support this spiritual transition for both the dying and their loved ones by assisting in open discussions, space holding,rituals, offering emotional support and guidance. 

Here are some basic guidelines when speaking with someone who is dying:

• Don’t speak in positive affirmations, this isn’t helpful
• Be normal around them, but validate where they are
• Ask “How are you today?” vs how are they feeling
• Make space for silent moments
• Breathe and create space
• Hope does not serve, but courage goes a long way
• Let them talk openly
• Don’t be a burden to the dying, grieve with others in your support group
• Have compassion and understanding for yourself, this isn’t easy

Joan Halifax says-“Death is a blessed catastrophe”, and it can be if we allow the space to create a beautiful ending of our life with our friends, family and build a community around us. May we seek out the rituals and ceremonies that support our goodbyes and hellos which allow us to fully grieve to allow love to flow back in.